Recently I dated a woman that her shyness, insecurities in herself, and her overall personality made her scared to have a relationship with me. I genuinely don't think I did anything that could be considered inappropriate on our dates. Still, I will let you be the judge of that in the comments. Here is my dating story.
An angel came to the bank.
I use to work as a bank teller on a busy branch. Each day we service many customers and deal with an absurd amount of cash. One day as I was helping my regular customers, I looked at the door and saw this incredibly gorgeous women coming in. She looked radiant, almost like an angel had just walked in, and to my luck, she was next in line and came to my station.
I was so nervous, butterflies flying in my stomach, and even worse, she had one of the sweetest voices I ever hear, and her smile was captivating. I pushed my nerves aside, and as I was doing her transaction, I started to flirt with her a bit. I ask her name (even though I was looking at all her financial information on my screen), and she told me her name was Lauren (what a beautiful name). I asked her if she was from around, and she worked in a beauty salon just a few minutes from my bank. I finished her transaction and told her it was a pleasure to had helped her and that if she comes back, I will be more than happy to help her.
She playfully laughs, and as she was walking away, I noticed she had a peculiar way of walking, like if she was gracefully floating each step. The moment was over, and I compose my nerves and congratulate myself for not wimping out.
She came back to the bank...over and over again.
Around a week and a half pass and me doing my daily teller routine, I notice that Lauren came back to the bank. She walked in, and as soon as she got in, she looked directly at me, smiled, and said hi. I smile back and happily say hello to her. This time though, one of my coworkers help her, and then there was me, like a total idiot, couldn't keep my eyes off her. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but that was not my day. As she was leaving, I said goodbye to her, she smiles back and walks out. As she was going out, I notice she had something on her arms, which was mostly covered by clothing. Later in this post, I will tell you what I found, but for now, she was out of the bank, and I miss my chance to flirt with her.
After that day, though, she kept coming back to the bank to make simple transactions over and over again. She visited at least once a week, and I had multiple chances to flirt briefly with her. One day she came wearing a black ring with the" Our Father" prayer in Spanish. That made me reminiscent of the beautiful memories I have from going to the catholic church in my youth. I told her the ring reminded me of the time I was crucified because I was playing the role of one of the thieves beside Jesus. It was after that special moment that I finally decided to gain the courage to ask her out.
How in the hell I am going to ask her on a date?
Lauren continues visiting the bank every week that even my coworkers notice she liked me. Also, my manager told me if I was scared to ask her out, and although I told him, "No, I'm not.” The truth is I was genuinely petrified to ask Lauren on a date. The worst was that I had no idea how in god's name, I was going to do it. So I came up with the idea of writing her a note saying that I enjoy talking with her and would like to have coffee sometime and write my phone number. I planned to hide the note inside a debit card slip and give it back to her discreetly. I did prepare the note and had it in the slip in my back pocket for many days, ready to use it the next time Lauren came in.
After a while, she came to my station, and I had the note ready, but I got so incredibly nervous that I could not muster the courage to give her the note. That day I was so frustrated and disappointed with myself for being such a coward that I ended up destroying the note. I lost my chance for being so weak, but that day I decided that the next time I see her on my station, I'm going to say "fuck it all" and ask her for a date. No excuses this time! I prepared myself mentally and fucking man up for the occasion.
She said yes to a first date.. sort of.
So then came the day Lauren visited my station and god that moment I was beyond nervous but was not by any means let the opportunity pass. As I was processing her transaction, my branch manager and the branch operation manager were having a conversation just a couple of feet from my station. That did not help at all to calm my nerves! I was not only nervous about getting rejected by Lauren. Now I run the risk of my managers reporting my sorry ass to human resources and get fired.
Still, I was not going to let the opportunity pass, so I find strength, muster all my courage and pick up a bank business card, and told Lauren that I was going to go Salsa dancing that weekend and was looking for a partner. I told her if she was interested in going with me to give me a call. I wrote my phone number on the card with my name and a happy face.
WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!! Dancing salsa for a first date! What an idiot I am! I fucking blew it! That was what I was thinking, but luckily she said that she would like to have coffee instead and told me she would get back at me. She went out of the bank, and there I was incredibly happy and unbelievably proud of myself. I did it! I fucking did it! Even if she didn't call or text back, I felt like a winner.
Two weeks pass and nothing.
After giving Lauren my phone, she completely stops going to the bank. From going almost twice per week, she stopped altogether. I didn't see or hear from her for two weeks, so I thought I fucked it up. I was thinking it was most likely for me stupidly asking to go salsa dancing for a first date.
At that point, I thought she was not interested, so I was ready to move on. However, at the end of the second week, I receive a text message from her that said something like, "This is Lauren. You gave me your phone at the bank. See if you want to go out." I was so happy when I received that text. I reply back saying hi and invited her to go out to a fancy Italian restaurant that I always wanted to go to. She agreed, and it was a date.
Date #1: Restaurant and a walk in the park
The first date came on a Friday night, and I was, of course, very nervous. I was so anxious that I had to text both my brother and cousin on a WhatApp group saying, "Men, I am fucking terrified for my date!" They gave me encouraging words and told me to have fun.
So I arrived early at the restaurant, and I sat on a table that I could see the front door. As I was waiting, I looked at my phone for some last "first date tips" because you know I was unbelievably nervous. After a while, Lauren came in the door wearing a beautiful outfit with long sleeves covering her arms. I stand up and walk towards her and said hi. We gave each other a hug and continue to sit.
After we looked at the menu and chatted a bit about her visits to the bank and I then follow, asking if she had any special skills she could teach me. She told me she sang, plays the piano, and did plays at church when she was young. She told me she performed as an angel and that one time, she had to improvise on the piano as a stand-in. She was so proud she did well on that occasion.
To keep the conversation going, I told her a story of the time one of my friends who was playing Jesus Christ broke the cross in the middle of the holy week procession. She laughed at that story, but then went silent all of a sudden. As I continue to talk with Lauren, I noticed she had difficulty expressing herself.
I found it very difficult to keep the conversation going because she said a few words and remained silent the majority of the time. Another thing I noticed was that she never looked at me directly in the eyes. She was always looking down or to the sides.
A picture on her phone
To not let the momentum die, I asked her to show me a picture on her phone that has a funny or exciting story she can talk about. She looked at me, puzzled, and told me that it was going to be difficult. After a while of browsing her phone, she showed me a picture of her brushing her sister's hair when they were kids.
The image was definitely cute, and she told me it brings her good memories but didn't tell me anything else. I was looking forward to hearing more about the backstory behind the picture, and I was hoping to listen to her talk. But she only said it brings her good memories.
It seems she didn't know how to articulate the conversation. So I had to carry on by showing the picture I selected (read the story behind this picture here). I told her that I love kayaking and enjoy the challenge it brings. After that, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, because well I had to pee LOL.
After I came back, I told Lauren that I wanted to take a short walk at a nearby park. She agreed, and we went our way. As we were walking, I said to her that I noticed that she walks like if she were floating. She mentioned that she uses to do valet, so that could be the reason.
Silent on the park
We arrived at the park and sat for a while on a bench. I ask her a few more questions, such as what she has on her bucket list. She said she wanted to travel, and that was it. No details to were, and she became silent again. At that point, I was questioning if I was boring her with my stories or doing something uncalled for.
On the many dates I have been, the only thing I had to do was listen to the girls talk, shut up, and simply do follow-up questions to keep them talking. With Lauren, I had to carry the whole date because she didn't express herself and barely speak at all.
At one moment, things got so quiet, and I didn't know what else to do, so I try to teach her the basic steps of salsa dancing. She agreed to it, which was nice. She looked so cute and uncoordinated, making the dance moves. Still, as soon as the "lesson" finished, she immediately sat down again on the bench.
Then I noticed she was shrinking her body like she was on the defensive. Then I did something stupid that I should have refrain from doing. I sat beside her and started to touch her knees and hands playfully. I wanted to see how she reacted to physical contact, and that definitely made her more uncomfortable. After that, I told her that it was getting late and that we should get moving.
The bar was a bad idea.
As we walked to her car, I noticed a bar and said to Lauren that I never been there, and I wanted to see what it was about. So we went in and as I went inside I noticed that Lauren stayed close to the door. I looked at her expression, and she looked frightened. I immediately decided we should get out of there fast. So I walk her to her car, I thank her for the excellent evening, she gave me a hug and left.
I was expecting a kiss, but it was the first date, and I didn't think it went that well. When I got home, my brother asks me how it went, and I told him that I didn't feel it went that well. My initial impressions were that I didn't feel good chemistry. However, I sense that Lauren had something special hidden deep down. My natural curiosity wanted to find out more.
Date #2: A simple breakfast
After our first date, I waited a couple of days to ask Lauren back again. I had mixed feelings about her but was still curious about that special something I felt she had hidden deep down. At this point, one of my most significant personal issues came in, I'm a terrible texter. I legitimately hate texting, and I'm awful at it. I much prefer to have a live human in front of me to interact.
Still, in today's dating world, texting is a must, so I texted Lauren that I had fun on our date and wanted to see her again. She took almost a day to reply back, but she agreed to go on a second date. I selected a local breakfast restaurant that I frequent, It was around 9 am, and I arrive early and wait for Lauren.
She came in, and just like the first date, she was wearing long sleeves, covering her arms. That day her hair looked glorious, and I commented on her about it. For this date, I wanted to dig deeper into her personality, so I asked her more personal questions.
One of the things I ask her was who her favorite family member was, which she told me her sister. I found out her sister is a nurse and that she was moving to another state in about a month. Although I tried to get more of the kind of relationship she had with her sister, Lauren did not talk much about it. She became silent after giving a very straightforward answer, so I had to carry the conversation yet again by telling her about a kayaking trip I did the weekend before.
Testing the sexual tension
At this point, I wanted to test the sexual tension a bit to see how she reacted. I ask her, "What your favorite part of a man's body?"
She kind of blush, and I noticed in her eyes that this was an unexpected question. She answers that her favorite part of a man's body was his personality and his confidence. That was a disappointing answer since it clearly and unapologetically asks for a man's body part.
I was looking to escalate the sexual tension just a bit by playing around with her answer. But after her reply, she became silent again. I assumed she would have made the follow-up question to me, asking what my favorite part of the female body is. She didn't ask at all and went quiet while she looked down and to the sides.
I didn't want the conversation to die out, so I had to put the question in her by asking if she was curious about what my answer would be. She told me she would like to know. I told her that my favorite part of the women's body is their hair.
I told her that "I find women's hair irresistible and that if I were to go to her place, and she happens to decide to take a shower and then came out with her hair wet. I would be entirely at her mercy. Then if she were to lie down on my chest with her damp hair, I would have lost it and would not know what to do."
She blushed a bit and laugh at this story, which I told it by talking slower and like whispering. Even though I try to spice things up, Lauren didn't react, and there was zero sexual tension, so I was legitimately disappointed.
After that, we left the breakfast place, and I walk her to her car. We hug goodbye, I wanted to kiss her, but her body language was locked, and I didn't see a clear signal she was open for a kiss.
After she left, I continue with my day, and I had a dental appointment, so yeah, adult life.
Date #3: Yet another breakfast at the same place
After our second date, I confess that I did not follow up as I should have, and Lauren never contacted me either. It appears that we were both awful at this text thing. I'm much better at a phone call, so a couple of days later, I try to call her. She didn't answer, so I left an awfully embarrassing voicemail (I truly hate leaving voicemails).
I told Lauren that I wanted to see her again, but this time I wanted to do something more exciting, like going salsa dancing or bowling. Since she didn't call back, I texted her with info about a bowling place I was interested in going. She completely ghosted me for days.
One morning I send her a straightforward text saying, "Hey Preciosa (the Spanish word for beautiful), I hope you are having a great day today." She ignored that message, no reply back, ghosted again. After a couple of days, I sent her another text asking her to have breakfast again at the same place as before. She replied like half a day later, saying that she would love to meet.
She didn't react to my "new" date plans.
We met at the same breakfast place as date #2, however this time, instead of seating in front of each other, I wanted to seat beside her so I could have some light physical contact. When she arrived, I noticed she was again wearing long sleeves covering her arms.
For this date, I wanted to keep learning more about her, so I ask her to tell me a story of something recent that happened in her life that she was proud of. She told me a funny story (for me, at least) of her buying an air conditioner for her apartment. Since her apartment didn't come with one, she had to buy a new one, and she was so proud of that AC that made the story exciting and cute.
After this conversation, I told Lauren that I something else planned for our date, but I was going to keep it a secret for a bit. I was trying to playfully flirt with her, but she went silent and didn't ask any follow-up questions.
So like the previous dates, I had no choice but to retake the lead and told her that I wanted her to see the local library. So we left the breakfast place and walk to the local library, which was about 3 minutes away.
Let's visit the library
While we were walking, I held her hand and didn't let go until we arrive at the library. I playfully massage her hand with my thumb in a circular motion, hoping to build some sexual tension along the way. That definitely didn't go well since she looked uncomfortable.
When we arrive at the library, I told her that it is one of my favorite places in town and wanted to show her my preferred section. We climb two floors and arrive at the business and economics section, and I show her a few of my favorite books. Then I told her I wanted her to pick a book that she liked since I was curious to see her selection. She browses around through some religious, and I think self-help books, but she didn't pick a single book to show me.
My goal was to sit down with her and read the book together for a few minutes. It didn't happen, and she just stood there emotionless, and she looked kind of anxious. So yet again, I had to retake the lead and picked a random book about the properties of rocks in jewelry (it was actually quite interesting LOL). I tried to make a conversation around the topic, but she replied with short answers and went silent again.
I wanted to try to do something more exciting, so I told Lauren that I wanted to visit one of the private study rooms. Since you can only go there with two or more people, I wanted to see what they were about, and maybe do something respectfully romantic with her. However, she looked uncomfortable, and I felt she just wanted to get out of there. So we left, and as we were walking to her car, she was walking faster, leaving me behind and didn't allow me to hold her hand.
A disappointing first kiss
When we arrived at her car, I was analyzing her body language to see if maybe there was still a chance for me to go in for a kiss. But she was completely secluded, so I had no option but to ask her if I could give her a kiss.
Surprisingly she said yes, so we lightly kissed, and it was quite the disappointment. It felt so rushed like she only gave me the kiss to get rid of me. It didn't have any chemistry, and the best way I can describe it is was like a "transactional kiss."
She left on her car, and I was so frustrated that I didn't think she was worth my effort, time, and above all, the encouraging energy I was attempting to give her. Even still, a part of me felt she had something hidden deep inside her worth fighting for. I wanted to figure it out, and my natural curiosity kept me wanting to explore her. However...
She ghosted me for three weeks and suddenly came back.
After our third date, her birthday was coming up, so I texted her the video of Joey from Friends when he turned 30. She replies back like a day later, saying the video was funny.
I follow asking if she had plans for her birthday, and she told me she was going to eat, get a massage, and do her nails. I replied back saying that I would like to be part of her special day and that it would be fun to do my nails too. That was the last I heard from her. I concluded she ghosted me permanently this time. Emotionally hurt, I deleted her number, moved on with my life, and went to my schedule vacation to Puerto Rico.
My awesome Puerto Rico vacation
Three weeks passed, and there I was in my awesome vacation in Puerto Rico when all of a sudden, I receive a text from Lauren. She texted, saying she remembered I told her I was going to Puerto Rico and asked me if I was interested in going out again.
Many people would have advised me to ignore her message and ghost her to oblivion for what she did to me, but I'm not like that. I'm confident in myself, so I wanted to see what Lauren needed this time, no harm in asking. So I reply back saying that I was in Puerto Rico and that I will be calling her later that night.
A pleasant phone call.
So that night, I called her, and she didn't pick up at first, So I call a little later and then she picked and we had a pleasant conversation. I told her about the things I have done in Puerto Rico so far and that I would be sending her pictures of the places I had plans to go. I ended the call saying that I wanted to go out with her when I came back and was discussing going bowling. She said bowling sounded like fun and we hang up.
I continue my awesome Puerto Rico vacation and texted her two videos of my adventures (my snorkeling trip and my trip to El Yunque). She liked them, but as I was expecting, she didn't follow up with a conversation and did not text or call to find out more.
Going back to Massachusetts
After I came back from Puerto Rico, I texted Lauren if she would like to go on a specific day to a bowling alley. She ghosted me yet again. After about a day, I texted her one more time, asking if she wanted to have breakfast at a local coffee shop.
She replied back after about half a day later, saying that she would like that. So it was a date. However, this time, I was prepared to tell her exactly what I was looking for. No bullshit this time.
Date #4: The source of her shyness, anxieties, and insecurities
So the coffee date came (in the morning), and to my great misfortune, I was sick. Like really ill with a fever, headache and could not think straight or talk too well. Since I'm not the kind of person that cancels on people, I went to the date and arrived early and sat down on a table feeling death.
After a while, Lauren came in, and once again, she was wearing long sleeves covering her arms. I said hi to her and told her I was sick. She felt sorry for me but seems happy to see me. She went to get a coffee, and there I was with my miserable bottle of water, feeling awful to the point I didn't want to eat.
Lauren came back with her coffee, and she asked me how was my vacation in Puerto Rico. I told her it was fantastic, but it was tough to leave my family behind. After that, I immediately follow-up asking her why she suddenly stopped going to the bank I work after she went so many times before.
She told me that she didn't want to make me uncomfortable or embarrassed in front of my coworkers. I told her that I'm a very confident person that doesn't get embarrassed that easily and that she shouldn't feel bad visiting me.
What was underneath her sleeves.
Now, if you been keeping a close eye on this post, you noticed that I mentioned she always wore long sleeves to cover her arms. I knew why she was doing this and did a lot of research on the topic.
So I ask her about it, saying, "I noticed that you have bruises in your arms and that you always cover them with long sleeves. What the reason for that?". Lauren's face looked like this was not the first time someone asked her that question, and she responded that she cut herself (self-harm) when she was younger, but stopped doing it. She said she needed to go to therapy and, after some time, got over it. After she confirmed, it explained a whole lot about her personality and why she behaved so distance towards me.
She then followed, saying that people tell her she is challenging to talk to and be friends with, and she has problems opening up to people. I, of course, did not judge her for that and told her that I was happy that she improved and is no longer harming herself.
I cannot even imagine the amount of psychological torment she went through to reach the point of cutting herself. She came from a restrictive family and also went to an all-girls catholic school growing up. All the pieces together made so much sense to me now, and at that point, it was perfectly clear that I had no chance with her.
Her mindset on relationships.
I wanted to explore her more and see if she had the same mindset as me on relationships. I told her that I was looking to be in a relationship with someone that I can see as a partner. Someone who compliments and helps each other push forward. I told her that I didn't feel she was on the same mindset as me, so I ask her what she was looking for. It was clear that she didn't know what she wanted, so she just mimics what I said, saying she also thinks having a partner is best.
At that point, I didn't feel there was anything I could do to be with her, so with nothing to lose, I ask her a tough question, "how do you feel about sex?"
She answered that she needed to have a connection with the person first before having sex. I told her that I believe exactly the same and that I would try to win my way into her bedroom, even though I knew there was no chance of that happening.
Issuing two challenges.
After asking her about what she thinks of sex, I followed by issuing two challenges for her. This would be my final attempt with her to see if she had the initiative to seek me by going way outside of her comfort zone.
The first challenge was that she needed to call me at least five times consecutively just to tell me how her day was. If she did, her rewards would have been that I would have gone to her apartment and vacuum clean it with my trusty vacuum cleaner. I wanted to entice her to talk to me and build trust and maybe roleplay a bit in her apartment. She laughed a bit and told me she liked the idea, which at that point, I was sure she was most likely pretending not to hurt my feelings.
So I continue with the second challenge, which was that I wanted her to visit me at the bank one more time and do any transaction. Since we were "dating," I told her that I would not be able to help her do to some bank policy and conflict of interest bullshit. All I wanted was to see her there and encourage her to do something she was definitely afraid to do. If she did that challenge, her reward would have been that I would have to go to her work (a beauty salon) and will ask one of her coworkers to do my nails.
She started laughing, and I could see a face of disbelief. I still told her that they could not paint my nails because that will get me fired. My goal was to make her feel confident with me around and, most importantly, to befriend her coworkers.
I want you to challenge me.
After I told her about my challenges, I asked her, "Ok, Lauren, those are my challenges. Now I want you to issue a challenge for me. Whatever you choose, I will have to do it." She became silent for a bit and looked puzzled. It was an awkward silence, but after a long while, she told me she wanted me to go to the library and pick a book that I don't usually read.
That was not a real challenge for me in the slightest, but I accepted it anyway. After that, we went out of the coffee shop, and I walked Lauren to her car, however, I was so sick that I could barely breathe well LOL.
I told her that I wanted to hold her hand, but didn't want to get her sick. When we arrive in her car, I said that I really wanted to kiss her, but I was too ill to do so. She told me there will be opportunities for that later, so she left. After that, I walked to the local library and fell dead on a desk just to catch a short nap before going to work. I was terribly sick that whole week.
She didn't do any of my challenges.
The same night of the fourth date, I texted Lauren with thanks for telling me about cutting herself. I wanted to acknowledge her trust, and she replied back the next day, saying that it was ok and thanked me.
Around a week pass, and as I was expecting, she didn't do a single challenge I issued. During that time I bought myself a brand new car, and I texted her a picture of it saying "I got a new car! Now all I need is to get me a date and maybe make out a bit."
As before, she replied back like a day later, saying that my car looks cute and shiny. That was it, my attempts to flirt via text to no surprise went unnoticed. After that exchange, I texted her around 9 pm "When can we talk?"
Ending things with a text.
I was going to tell her in a phone call that I didn't see this going anywhere and end things in a conversation. However, she didn't reply for a whole day, so I had no option but to end things with a text saying, "Hey Lauren. I hope you are doing well. It was a pleasure to meet you, but I don't feel a connection with you. I hope you find someone that fits your needs. Please take good care of yourself."
Fifteen minutes passed, and she replied, saying, "I feel the same way. Good luck with everything." And that was it. After so much effort I put into, it was simply not meant to be. I deleted her number again and started the painful process of moving on.
The unique perspective of my coworkers.
I confess it hurts that I could not have a relationship with Lauren, so I sought guidance from my coworkers. They all met her and talked to her multiple times in the bank, so they had a unique perspective.
One of my coworkers told me that she also had difficulty communicating with Lauren when she helped her in the teller line. She then followed, asking me if I think Lauren will cut herself after me ending things (God, I hope she doesn't. I would feel terrible). Then my coworker said something which may me feel great, "You know Luis, Lauren needed someone like you."
Another coworker told me she thinks Lauren does not know what she wants. She also mentioned that Lauren was playing hard to get, that it was weird the way she acted with me, and that she must have a lot of issues.
The thing is my coworkers were so happy that I ask Lauren on a date. They all thought Lauren was a sweet girl and wanted things to work out for me. That why I ask myself what does Lauren's friends were saying about me without knowing me? Did they put stuff in Lauren's head that was false about me? Because of my aggressive flirting, Lauren's friend, and even she could have assumed I was only looking for sex. I guess I will never know.
I could have shown her the world.
I'm an excessively confident person that likes to takes risks and push myself to the limit. I have been through so much in my life, even surviving a suicide attempt (I once tried to drown myself in the shower using a mop bucket). My life experiences have made me reach a point that I can do things on my own that the majority of people would be terrified to do themselves.
That why it was so hard for me that things didn't work out with Lauren. I know that I could have shown her so many new things, help her explore new horizons and without a doubt, help her be a more confident person. Is unfortunate because she told me a few time that she liked me a lot, but sadly she didn't give herself the chance to test new fields with me.
That the way relationships go. Sometimes you just don't fit the unrealistic expectations the other person crafts of you in their minds. As my cousin (my relationship advisor) told me, the worst thing you can do is assign expectation of what you want a person to be. With Lauren, I'm guilty of that. I wanted her to be more outgoing (extroverted), do fun activities, and take the initiative from time to time.
She simply had too many personal issues to deal with before reaching that point. So I'm going to do what I do when I don't know what else to do, pray. I pray that Lauren has a beautiful life, that she finds and amazing man that loves her and that she burst out of the comfort zone bubble and triumph. I'm confident in my faith in the higher powers, and I'm at peace and eternally grateful for all I learn dating Lauren.